I wanted to start documenting my self-love journey which includes fitness so, as hard as this is, I felt getting my feelings, fears, joys, etc out would help my healing. I just lost my best-friend and love of my life all in one shot. No, he did not die but part of me wishes I would.
I had a break up. I know some may call my reaction silly and I can understand that, however, it is still a loss. The man I was involved with decided that due to our circumstances making it difficult for us to reach the goals we had for the relationship, we should call it quits but remain friends because you can’t just throw away 10+ years of friendship and love. Normally I wouldn’t agree but we were friends first and I highly valued his friendship. Well, apparently he no longer felt that, that bond was important or valuable anymore because just the other day he decided to end that as well. It came so sudden. Just a day or two before we were laughing, and talking about seeing a certain movie together, and telling me he loved me. Then BAM. It’s over. I felt and still feel worthless. Like just trash being tossed out. In this short amount of time I easily fell back into bad habits. I am still in a state of confusion. Wanting an answer as to why you could just turn your back on someone so easily and quickly. Wondering what I did wrong. Was I just not good enough? Was it all a lie from the get go? Am I not worthy of love & friendship? Was I not worth fighting for? Am I trash?
I feel lost. I am terrified. I know I will be fine, I know I’ll survive, but he had been in my life for 10 + years and suddenly he is gone. During the ending of our romantic relationship I started to gain weight again because I was letting the emotional stress of that and other stress run the show. I was already working on that when this blow came and I just wanted to give up. A large part of me still does, but there is this small part of me that wants to keep, well, living. She wants to stand tall, dance, sing, love….LIVE. So, I am going to try to only listen to her. I want to see how strong she can get. I can’t wait to meet her. I can’t wait for you to meet her. So with that, each month I will be checking in with my progress. Weight, measurements, fitness, mental health, etc. I am determined to live life. I am determined to love me above all else. This is going to be hard. I know it is. I have yet to have a day I am not crying. I hope this mountain I have to climb is really just a small hill.
MAY 1, 2018
- Weight: 202.6
- Height: 5 ft 3 in
- Bust: 42 in
- Waist: 40 in
- Hips: 47 in
- Thighs (L/R): 27 / 27 ½
- Calves (L/R): 15 / 15 ½
- Arms (L/R): 16 / 16 ½
I will add pics at next month’s check in so there is a comparison.
What are you restarting? Are you on a self-improvement journey? Let’s talk about it!