May 17, 2014

Self-Love Saturday: It Begins

Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.
- Louise L. Hay

I wanted to get this started much earlier. However since I am currently in the beginning of my self-love journey, I am still prone to ups and downs. Lately there has been a lot of downs. I will take you on my journey, the good and the bad. I will not censor or hold myself back in any way. This will become a public diary of sorts. The reason I am doing this is because I want others who are going through the same thing to see you can get through it, you can survive it. Life does go on. You will not die. You will not be without love. You are worthy. YOU ARE WORTHY.

Shall we begin...

My issues with the lack of self-love, began many many years ago. A combination of a not so affection family, absent father, odd girl out, etc. All of that added up and I kept it to myself for the most part of my entire adolescence and that flowed over into adulthood causing me to make choices in life that weren't the best for me, which in turn made my self-love issues even worse. I can honestly say I flat out hated myself. I think we've all been there, some of you are still there. Please here me when I say I UNDERSTAND. I know there are plenty of people who would mumble to themselves that they wish they would just die. I took it further. I told myself more often than not. I'd look in the mirror and tell myself you should die, why are you here, you are useless, a waste of space. YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER. I would look myself in the eyes and say this. Repeatedly. Some of you could never image doing that. Some of you can. It's amazing how cruel we can be, but it's incredible how much love we can give to other people but never to ourselves.

My wake the fuck up moment was recently. After being with a wonderful man who has put up with a lot of mess. (I don't know many people who would hold on, I don't know if I would!) I realized I lost myself in him. My self worth was being gauged based on his affection towards me. I didn't look at the fact that things are going on in his life as well, so his moods usually had nothing to do with me. Still, I continued to judge how important I was by his affection and attention levels. If he was tired from work, gym, etc, or having a hard day in general and he was unable to be as loving as usual, I took that to mean I was a piece of shit. Obviously I am worthless if the man who says he loves me can barely speak to me. Then the days where he was showering me with attention, I was over the moon. I felt like a Goddess, like the most beautiful and wonderful creature on earth. There was no stopping me. After having a break down moment I looked in the mirror and asked myself, "What the fuck with wrong with you?, What are you doing?". It really was a wtf moment. I noticed how everything around me was being affected. Work, Family, Health. It was all being affected because I didn't feel I was worthy of well, anything. If I couldn't make this man be loving towards me 24/7, 365, clearly I am worthless. Now your situation may be different, but your feelings are not. We aren't going to do a whose story is worse thing. I am not focused on what got you were you are, I am focused on the emotion behind it all and how we are going to fix it. Together.

Even though I still have bad days, I woke up. I began listening to podcasts about self-love left and right. I began to read articles on how to be a bad ass, a strong independent women, a Goddess, etc. Seriously. I came across a podcast called, Your Self-Love Adjustment. (Links & Info at bottom of post) There were some words used in there that really stuck with me and I decided from that moment this behavior and way of living was not going to fly anymore. I decided I wanted to not only help myself but help other people who are struggling with self-love and self-worth. People who this behavior has affected their family relationships, their love lives, their health.

So every Saturday I invite you to join me on this self-love journey. Each week I will post what I've been up to for the week to assist in my journey. Some might seem silly, some will be hard, but will hopefully help you wake up. I invite you to join me on Facebook as well as this blog. Perhaps with enough interest we can do a monthly live chat! I would love to get to know all of you! Please note, this is not just for the women struggling, men I invite you to be a part as well. I welcome you with open arms!

Self-Love Saturday begins next week! I hope to see you there. Well here. :D

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